They are as hungry as the wolves, but they take no time to mix their flour and sugar. The only thought is to put miles between themselves and their adversaries—if that is possible. It is hard going with no visibility. But Huck has discerned in the last few days that the snow on the trail lies about three inches lower than on the rest of the terrain. To his eyes, the trail is clearly marked; he keeps to it without difficulty.
It is a gray world that they travel in.
• • • •
The fog does not deter the wolves. They easily follow the scent of the two-legs.
• • • •
They were out in the open. Huck had on his “snowshoes” and was in the process of taking another step when Bright’s hair along his back stood up and his upper lip curled, exposing his teeth. Huck noticed and stopped what he was doing and rapidly removed his snowshoes. He could not see more than a few feet out, but he knew that they in were trouble.
“They’re here,” was all he said to his companions.
• • • •
The two-legs are just ahead. The three females fan out to attack on the left—to drive the two-legs to the rear, where the males await. The pup, in happy anticipation, watches and learns the way of the hunter.
(I stole---I mean borrowed---this from Emo Philips)
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Jass cleared his throat then said what he had to say. “It’s gonna be real slow getting through that snow, even for you two. I’m just gonna hold you up. If I fall behind, I don’t want you waiting up for me. The trail is clearly marked from here to my cabin. So you go on and I’ll see you there. I got my matches, and if you leave me with a little of the flour and sugar, I can mix them in melted ice and live off that for a week . . . easy.”
Huck looked over at Molly. “Did you hear somethin’?”
“Nope. It must have been the wind.”
“I reckon so.”
Jass was not amused. “There ain’t no wind. There never is when it’s this cold. And I won’t be put off. I won’t let you jeopardize your lives haulin’ a cripple seventy miles through some of the worse country in Alaska . . . and . . . when it’s 102 degrees below freezing!”
Huck threw another thick spruce branch on the fire and waited for the ensuing sparks to die down before speaking.
“Look here, Jass. You gotta know one thing about Huck Finn and Molly Lee McMasters, and that is when we say we’re gonna do something and we give our word on it, then we do it or else we die tryin’.”
“But . . .”
“Ain’t no buts about it. I’ll break trail as best I can. Molly will follow me, and you, Jass, you’ll bring up the rear. The three of us are gonna make it, or the three of us are gonna die together in this godforsaken country. You understand?”
“But what about the baby? You’re gonna chance his life?”
Huck looked to Molly. He wanted her to answer Jass. “John has thrown his lot in with us. He had no say about it, but that don’t matter none. The four of us, and that includes John, are leagued for better or worse. Now do you understand?”
Jass nodded, but said nothing.
“Alright,” said Huck, “that’s good. Now let’s get going. I’ll carry the pack holding the food, I put the gold in there too. Molly, you, as you have been, are in charge of the baby. And Jass, after Molly and I have trampled down the snow a mite, you should have no problem keeping up.”
Jass struggled to his feet, and once steady on his crutches, he looked Huck in the eye and said, “I ain’t movin’ until you hand me that pack. No man is gonna carry my gold for me. Least of all, you, Huck. It weighs thirty-five pounds! If you don’t give me that pack, then you might as well sit back down, ’cause we ain’t going nowhere.”
Huck gave Molly a side glace and she nodded her answer. So Huck shrugged and took off the pack. After handing it over, he said, “Now can we get going?”
A true tale of pathos, greed, drugs (sorry, no rock and roll) and how I got into surfing. I am sorry to say that this 100% true. Though I wish it wasn't.
I’d been travelin’ up and down the coast of California for about six months when I hit the beaches. You know Huntington, Redondo, Manhattan Beach . . . the usual. It wasn’t long before I caught sight of the surfers. Man, to that seventeen-year old boy, surfin’ looked really cool. So I got myself a job washin’ dishes at this hash house. I was still sleepin’ in alleyways and under lifeguard stands because I was workin’ for a board and didn’t want to spend money on rent. And before I knew it, I could quit that job because I had enough for a second-hand surfboard.
This was 1967 and a short board was anything under ten feet. I got me a 9’6’’ beauty. I even painted the American flag over the entire bottom. I think I was protesting the Viet Nam War. Today, I’m not so sure why I painted it on there. Maybe the surf was flat that day and I had nothing else to do, but it did look cool.
I bought the board from a shop on Hermosa Beach, so naturally I stayed in the neighborhood. I mean, how far could I go with a surf board and no car? It was summer, and sleeping on the beach was pleasant . . . most of the time. When it rained, well, that was a bitch. But for the most part, I was happy surfing all day, and cadgin’ a meal at night. I usually fed myself by going to the back door of a restaurant and asking if I could do some work for a meal. Half the time they would feed me without the required work.
One of the most memorable times of my back-door escapades was the time I knocked at a restaurant’s back door and gave my usual spiel. Well this cook, or maybe he was a chef, lets me in, walks me over to a table in the kitchen and says, “Don’t worry about the work, just sit here and I’ll feed you.”
Just as I was putting the first mouthful of his fine cuisine into my mouth, this woman walks into the kitchen from the dining room, sees me, and says, “What’s he doing here? Get him out of here!”
It turned out she was the owner. Well my friend the chef tells the owner, “When a man comes to my kitchen hungry, I am gonna feed him.” As he finished speaking, he lifted the knife he was using and pointed it menacingly at his boss. He kept it pointed at her until she turned and went back through the door she had just come through.
Anyway, back to my story. Okay, I’ve got my new surfboard, I’m eating at least once a day, and I’m surfin’. Of course, I’ve got nowhere to live, but to a seventeen-year-old that’s no sweat. I’m happy as a pig in shit. I needed nothing.
I had it worked out with one of the lifeguards to watch my board on the few occasions I left the beach. Surfin’ does work up one’s appetite. So I’d meander up the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) every once and a while to see what I could promote—food-wise. Well, on the day in question, I was attracted by some music blaring out of this storefront shop. It was Canned Heat’s Going Up The Country. So, I was standing in front of this store, just killing time until the song was over, when this dude walked up to me, and said, “I dig this song too.” He was about my age, maybe a few years older, blond hair, about 6’1’’ and kinda thin. His name was Pete. We get to talking and then he said, “Wanna blow a joint?” Now, did you ever hear of a kid in 1968 who didn’t want to blow a joint?
He took me to the house that he shared with his sister. It was only a few feet from the beach and it was painted green. That I remember. I also remember his sister; she was my age, beautiful and unattached, which did me no good whatsoever. I was too shy in those days to open my mouth, and the girls of that by-gone era were just learning to be assertive. So we danced around one another, but nothing happened. Anyway I was into surfing, not girls. Yeah right!
The long shot of it was I was invited to move in halfway through the first joint. And that set into motion events that led to my being robbed, having a knife at my throat, being the victim of a murder attempt, trying to smuggle a pound of pot across the Mexican/U.S. border, being jailed, having a near-death experience, and all sorts of fun things. And, no, Pete was not a bad guy. Pete was a fuckin’ great guy; he was just an idiot . . . like me.
After a few weeks of living with Pete and his sister, he and I start talking about how we could make real money. We thought that if we went down to Tijuana, copped a pound of primo Mexican Gold, brought it back to Hermosa Beach and sold it by the ounce, or “can” as it was referred to in Southern California back in those days, we’d be rich. Not to mention all the “free” pot we’d have. So guess what the two idiots did? If your guess was that we hitchhiked to Tijuana to buy a pound of pot and then walk it across the border . . . then give yourself a cigar. That’s exactly what we set out to do. But things didn’t quite work out that way.
On the way down, we got picked up by these two guys that were going there to cop “Reds” and “Greens.” Now I know those things have legit names, but to me they were downers, not my type of high at all. I was pretty square in those days. Sure I smoked pot, popped a little acid, shot a little acid, shot a little speed, did some mescaline, both organic and synthetic, but besides that, I was as pure as the driven snow.
Anyway, these guys are hip. They stopped before we got to the border and showed us how they were going to smuggle the shit in. It’s probably old hat by now, but, at the time, I thought I was talking to two geniuses. What they did was hollow out the carburetor on their car engine. They even popped it off and showed us where they were gonna put the two jars of pills. Genius I tells ya! Pure genius!
They drove us into Mexico, and there we split up. Each pair out to make their own score. The only difference being that those guys knew what they were doing. As opposed to the two babes-in-the-woods that Pete and I turned out to be.
I don’t remember how we found the asshole who said he’d sell us a pound of marijuana, but find him we did. He took us to the seediest whorehouse I’ve ever seen. And seeing how, at the time, it was the only whorehouse I’d ever seen, I reckon that’s not saying much.
As he’s bringing us in the back door, who the hell do you think we meet coming out of the place? You got it. The two geniuses. They’re holding big, brown, fat bottles of pills. There had to be at least five hundred pills per bottle. They stopped to show us their shit, and then asked, “Hey, you guys want some reds?”
“Sure. Why not?”
So they open one of the bottles and pour about ten pills each into Pete’s and my hands and we put ’em in our pockets. Now, this tender scene between old friends was keenly observed by our connection, which as you’ll see in a moment, plays a big part in this sordid tale.
So Pedro, or Fuck Wad, or whatever his name was, is holding the door of the whorehouse open for us so we may enter. Right then and there I should have smelled a rat. He was smilin’ so broadly, and that one gold tooth he had in his mouth made him look just like the bandit in the Humphrey Bogart movie. You know the one, Walter Houston is in it along with Tim—can’t think of his last name right now—but it’s the one where the bandit, in reply to Bogie’s request to see his badge when he, the bandit, and his cohorts are pretending to be the police; says, “Badges? We don’t need no steekin’ badges!” Great line, great movie. Holt! That was his last name, Tim Holt. Well, our doorman looked just like that bandit. And if there were any other similarities, we were in for a lot of trouble.
Once inside, we were escorted down this poorly lit corridor with rooms on each side, I’m being generous when I call them rooms. They were about ten feet by ten feet, just big enough for two people. There was some kind of bed in each room, and upon each bed was a roll of toilet paper. Because it was the middle of the afternoon, every door was wide open, no customers. That is why I can relate to you what the insides of the rooms in a seedy whorehouse, located in Tijuana look like.
Okay boys, here's where the fun begins. It’s all been peaches and cream up to now. We get about half way down the corridor and the bandit stops in his tracks and asks to see our money. You know, just to make sure we’re legit. And being the complete dumb asses that we were, we whipped out our money to show him how legit we were.
It was at that very instant a door flew open and three guys that looked even worse than our bandit, rushed towards us. Before either one of us knew it, we both had knives at our throats. They were talkin’ Spanish, but I had a feelin’ they wanted our money.
Hey guys, you can have it! We appreciate you asking so nicely.
Behind the three guys and the knives, stood our bandit, still smiling—the son-of-a-bitch. Then our bandit says something to the new bandits in Spanish, and the next thing we knew, these guys were rooting around in our pockets. You know, it’s pretty hard to hold a knife to someone’s throat and simultaneously go through his pockets. Try it some time, and you’ll see what I mean.
My personal bandit, and by that I mean the one holding the knife to my throat, as opposed to Pete’s personal bandit, holding a knife to his throat, pulled out about six of my ten reds while still holding his knife in the prerequisite position, then he turned his head and showed his find to our bandit, who intones, “Si, si.”
Si, si is right. Yes, yes. What the fuck am I doing in a whorehouse in Tijuana in the middle of the afternoon being robbed by a character out of a Humphrey Bogart movie?
Did I say that the fun was going to start when these guys held knives to our throats? Well, if I did, I was mistaken. Now the real fun began. Pete had gone through everything I had gone through. His bandit was now holding his reds. Then the two bandits turned their attention back to us once our original bandit nodded his head in approval. Approval of what we didn’t know. But hey, no sweat, we were about to find out.
Believe it or not, these guys were all right. All they wanted to do was get us high. Now before I go any further, for all you non-junkies out there, two of these reds would put you to sleep for at least twelve hours; three, and you could kiss an entire day good-bye. Four . . . you’re talking about a trip to the emergency room. You get my drift? I don’t know how many were shoved down Pete’s throat, but I got six. Then they threw us out onto the street. I didn’t know what was going on then, but over the years my feeble mind has kind of pieced things together.
This is what I think their thinking was. One, we would either OD on the streets of Tijuana, or two, we would be picked up by the police for public whatever-you-call-it-when-you’re-really-stoned-on-reds. They had very little fear that we would go to the police on our own volition. What the hell were we going to say? “Excuse me, sir, but I tried to buy drugs in your country, and I was robbed.” I don’t think so, and our bandit friends knew so. And anyway, they probably had the police in their hip pockets. Mexico is one of the most corrupt countries in the world when it comes to the police. And Tijuana was, and probably still is, the most corrupt city in all of Mexico.
Well, whatever their plan was, we fooled ’em. We didn’t pass out until we were back in the good old U S of A—barely. This is no exaggeration. We were only two steps into this country with its wonderful jails, as opposed to Mexico’s shitty jails, when we keeled over.
Can you imagine the police of today finding a comatose seventeen-year-old boy on the street and taking him to jail? I mean, really! But that is what the San Diego County Police did. I was in their goddamn jail two days before I regained consciousness. The only saving grace as far as I was concerned was that Pete was in the same cell with me. He had regained consciousness about an hour before I did.
So there we were, two would-be drug kingpins, on the second tier of the cellblock, in the last cell.
The coppers wanted to get us for being under the influence of dangerous drugs. But to do so they needed a urine sample. So I’m the first. I’m escorted downstairs, handed a cup, and told to go into the open cell in front of me and pee into said cup.
This next part, I swear, is the God’s honest truth. When I walked into the cell, there was a puddle of piss on the floor. I knew what it was because of its fragrant aroma. I don’t know about most of you, but when I come out of a coma, I just can’t piss. Maybe it’s because my body was in the process of shutting down. You know, some people call it dying. Well, whatever the cause, I just could not pee that night. And believe me, I tried!
When the copper came to take my sample, I told him I just couldn’t go. At about that time, he saw the puddle on the floor. He accused me of being the culprit. Who me? I’ve never peed on a floor in my life. Well, at least not until recently.
Because they thought me a wise-ass, I was unceremoniously thrown back into Pete’s and my cell. By the way, we were not given a phone call, or arraigned within the time limit prescribed by the Constitution. Of course, at seventeen, I was not yet the Constitutional scholar that I am today, so I kept my big yap shut.
To pass the time while awaiting our day in court, we made a chess set out of torn paper bits. We were lucky; somehow, we came in possession of a pencil. Which meant we could identify the pieces, you know, “P” for pawn. “Q” for queen, etc . . . etc. But we didn’t have a board, so we had to imagine the squares. Three days of that shit, and I haven’t been right since.
We were finally brought before a judge. I guess looking down from his bench he saw a couple of stupid kids. After all, the charge was only a misdemeanor, so he gave us OR. Which meant your Own Recognizance, which meant no bail need be posted. They’d trust you to come back for your day in court.
So Pete and I found ourselves free and out on the street once again. And Pete says to me, “So, what now?”
And I say to Pete: “Fuck California, I’m goin’ east. Sell my board and you keep the money. Tell your sister that I have always loved her, and I’ll probably never see her again.”
And, as I am so fond of saying, I then walked into a new life.
P.S. From then on, I did all my surfing in Florida.
Huck Finn mushed his dogs, he had a one-legged man he had to get back to his wife in time for the birth of their child. Molly Lee McMasters hugged a six-month-old baby to her breast. The temperature was fifty-eight degrees below zero and falling fast. In the far distance, loomed the mountain they had to cross---shrouded in ominous gray-black snow clouds.
At dinnertime we talked about Charlie. He was somethin’ else. People always said that he was of no earthly good, but Charlie showed us all.
Daddy shook his head, and as he cut his meat, he said, “You believe that about Charlie?” No one answered; sister started to cry.
I grew up with Charlie. He was the first boy that I ever did kiss. Him, brother, and I would go swimming down to the swimming hole in the summertime. I think sister was sweet on him, but she never said nothing ’bout it ’cause momma always said Charlie was a bad sort.
Charlie’s people came from back up in the hills. He never wore store-bought clothes and his hair was always a mite too long. But his smile . . . his smile . . . would brighten anyone’s day.
Charlie died today.
He was down to the highway, walking along the side. As he passed the Gentry house, the baby came out of the yard and walked onto the highway just as the car came out of nowhere. It was moving fast. Charlie only had time to jump in front of it and push the baby to safety.
Sister still cries.
Now no one says that Charlie was of no earthly good.
I wake up every night ’bout midnight. People . . . I just cain’t sleep no more! I cain’t sleep because my woman is driving me crazy. I told my woman a long, long time ago she was gonna drive me crazy. To keep my peace of mind, I’m gonna have to kill her tonight.
I’m walkin’ the dark and empty streets with gun in hand. I’m lookin’ for my woman.
If she’s with another man, I’ll kill him too.
Bye, bye little girl . . . tonight you die.
Bye, bye lover . . . bye, bye.
I see you through the window at Mose’s Place. You have on the red dress I bought you last year. You’re sittin’ with another man.
I ain’t got nothin’ to lose. I open the door and step inside.
The music, the cigarette smoke, and my sorrow assault me.
I know what I have to do.
You’re laughing at something he has said as I walk up to the table. You are having a good time. I’m happy for you.
Bye, bye baby.
The first bullet takes off half your lover’s head.
I take my time firing the next bullet. I want you to know that you are gonna die.
Times slows, I see the fear in your eyes. Your face is splattered with your lover’s blood. It goes well with your red dress.
Bobby, the Big Blue Bunny wasn’t always big, and he wasn’t always blue. However, he had always been Bobby, at least for as long as he could remember.
When he was only a white bunny, Bobby used to live in the woods with his other bunny friends. His closest friends were Homer, Janice, and Tommy. They would play together every day. They would play many games, but their favorite was hide-n-seek. That was ever so much fun.
One day, Bobby decided that he was going to be the champion hide-n-seek player of all time. He would hide so well that no one would ever find him. Not even Janice who was the best hide-n-seek player in the whole wide world!
On that day, as Janice covered her eyes and counted to one hundred, Tommy and Homer hid in their usual places. But Bobby went deep into the woods, farther than he had ever gone before. His mommy would have been so worried about him if she had known how far from home he had traveled.
After a while, he came to an old, fallen down and hollowed out log in a quiet glade. “I can hide in there and Janice will never find me,” thought Bobby. So he hopped into the log and made himself comfortable. It was cozy. It was so cozy that after a while, Bobby started to get sleepy. “I’ll take a short nap. Then, I’ll go back and surprise them all. How all the other bunnies will cheer when I hop into the clearing after Janice has given up looking for me,” were his thoughts as he fell asleep.
The next thing Bobby knew, it was nighttime. He had slept longer than he had intended, and he was afraid. It was too dark to find his way home; he missed his mommy. He wanted to cry, but decided he would be a big bunny and not cry. He would wait for the sun to come up and then he would scamper home as fast as he could.
Once again, Bobby fell asleep.
When he awoke this time, the sun was out and the birds were singing. It was a beautiful day. “Oh, good! Now I can go home,” said Bobby.
He started to squirm his way out of the log and he was almost out when he heard, “Dum-dee-dum-dum. Dum-dee-dum-dum.” Someone was humming to himself. Then the phrase was repeated: “Dum-dee-dum-dum.”
“What is this?” Bobby wondered aloud. There was only one way to find out, he would have to leave the safety of the log. The voice did not sound scary. In fact it was quite a pleasant voice, so he made his way out into the sunshine.
There, before him, stood the biggest bunny he had ever seen. And to top it off, he was pink in colour! The bunny was stirring something in a big black kettle. And there were many more kettles spread throughout the glade.
Bobby was about to turn and run away when the pink bunny said, “I was wondering when you were going to wake up, sleepyhead.”
“You knew I was in the log?” asked Bobby.
“I surely did, but you were sleeping so soundly, I thought I’d leave you alone for the time being.”
“What are you doing?” Bobby wanted to know.
“I’m getting the colour ready for my eggs,” was the bunny’s reasoned response.
“Your eggs?”
“Yes, my eggs! I’m the Easter Bunny. You’ve heard of me.”
“I’m sorry, but I haven’t.”
“It doesn’t matter. Now, come and give me a hand. I have to mix the next colour.”
The Easter Bunny walked over to a kettle and lifted what looked like a heavy sack. He poured the contents into the pot. “You stir this while I go on to the next one.”
“I’m sorry sir, but I have to go home. My mommy will be worried about me.”
“Yes, mommies are like that.”
“It’s been nice meeting you, sir.”
‘Yes, yes. Now be on your way. I’m running late, and this year I have much work to do.”
Bobby turned away and hopped down the trail. But an hour later he was back. “I can’t find my way home. I’ve gone too far. I’ve never been this far into the woods before.”
The Easter Bunny sighed. “I will see that you get home, but first you must help me. Pick up a stick and stir that kettle over there,” he said pointing to the biggest kettle of the lot.
“It’s a little too high for me to reach,” said Bobby.
With another sigh, the Easter Bunny went over and opened a short step-ladder that was near-by and put it next to the kettle. “Here. Stand on this, and make sure the colour is thoroughly mixed with the water. There is nothing worse than spotted eggs.”
Bobby climbed to the top of the ladder and started to stir. Then he asked, “How long do I do this?”
“Until I get back,” answered the Easter Bunny. Then he added, “I won’t be long. I have to get the eggs.”
Bobby was warming to the task. It was fun to watch the colour swirls as they mixed with the water. His attention was so fixed on what he was doing that he did not notice he had moved a little too close to the pot. When he did notice, he tried to take a step back, but he lost his balance and fell into the kettle. That was all right. The water was not hot, but the edge was too high for him to reach. He yelled for help, but there was no one there to hear him.
In a few minutes the Easter Bunny returned and saw the splashing in the kettle Bobby was supposed to be tending. He peered over the rim and saw a thoroughly soaked Bobby swimming around in circles.
“Can’t I leave you alone for even a minute?” the Easter Bunny asked. And without waiting for an answer, he reached down and pulled Bobby out of the water.
The Easter Bunny gave Bobby a towel and told him to dry off. “And sit over there, out of the way. As soon as my eggs are coloured, I’ll see you home.”
A few hours later, Bobby was standing in front of his burrow waving good-bye to his new friend, the Easter Bunny. When he went inside, he saw his mother standing at the sink and he called to her. She turned to him—and dropped the plate she was washing. His brothers and sisters snickered and laughed. “What is it?” he wanted to know.
“Look in the mirror,” said one of his brothers.
And so Bobby did look in the mirror and was surprised to see a very blue bunny staring back at him. It had been the blue dye kettle he had fallen into.
From that day onwards, everyone called him, Bobby, the Blue Bunny. And when he grew up, he became known as, Bobby, the Big Blue Bunny. It was then that he stopped playing hide-n-seek. Being big and blue, he was always too easy to find.
